Suicide; Should Have, Could Have, Would Have…..
Suicide nowadays is on the increase, I don’t believe many people have been untouched by it, whether that be a family member, friend, colleague or a close friend’s loved one and of course the rising number of prominent celebrities, this always leaves those left behind with a lot of questions but few if any answers.
The first questions asked when someone takes their own life is what possessed them and why, why did they not speak to me, why did they not get help, why did they take their life that way etc. This is often followed by shock, anger, grief, disbelief, guilt and then all the questions, the fears the worries about their loved one in death.
There are five stages of grief according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:
Shock or denial, pain & guilt, anger, depression, acceptance.
There is no timescale on how long each emotion will last or how soon we move past them to acceptance and it will be different for each individual, however with suicide, all but acceptance can come all at the same time. As a medium and someone who has been touched by a loved one committing suicide, I am aware of the different emotions people go through after losing someone they care about to suicide.
It is during the shock and guilt phase that people tend to come to see me for a reading, at this point they are often fuelled by guilt, even though there may be no blame as far as they are concerned, yet they automatically think ‘what could I have done to stop this from happening?’ or ‘What if I’d done XYZ, they’d still be here’. It is so easy to take the responsibility for their loved ones death onto their shoulders when they truly did not see it coming, had no inkling there was even a problem and to believe it could have been prevented.
Along with the feelings of guilt and responsibility comes the conditioning we have in our culture that suicide is against our religious teachings and that their loved one will now go to hell, so by the time they come to see me, my client is desperate to know their loved one is alright and they are not in hell or purgatory. So let me clear some myths up, this may help you or someone you know.
First of all, please know that generally for someone to take their own life, they are not thinking straight, if they were, they would not do it. To commit suicide, a person has been driven to the point where they feel this is their only option or that it is better for those being left behind if they were no longer here. They are not seeing how much devastation they will leave behind, they are not thinking rationally at all!
Often a person feels they have complete clarity, the decision to take their own life, truly seems to be the only option. If you factor in that many suicides are with people who have mental health issues, this may be a build-up of pressure over a long period of time and not a sudden out of the blue decision.
It’s My Fault
It is generally not your fault or that of anyone else that a person you loved has taken their own life, it is truly their decision, the same as it is our choice what we eat and what we wear. Now that may seem very flippant but truly in life we make our own choices, if you leave a partner and they kill themselves, this is not on you, they chose that path, in all likelihood this path would have come to them at some point anyway, they cannot cope with more adversity or problems. We are not responsible for the choices of others, we are only responsible for how we respond to a person, situation or conversation.
Most of the time, the people I see, the blame they are placing is not even valid, they are really second guessing things they did or did not do, or things they did or did not say, i.e. ‘If I’d told them I loved them they would not have done it’ or ‘If I’d been home to take their call, it would have been different’, this is the guilt that needs to be let go of, it serves no purpose other than to torture the person who is trapped in that mental loop.
This is where I need to talk to you about suicide from a spiritual point of view. We, here on earth are in HELL, hell is not a place you go when you die, hell is the planet we live on and the life lessons we agree to before we incarnate, so let go of all beliefs that the person you loved and lost is trapped in some kind of purgatory, this was invented by the church in a bid to control us, the same as marriage was constructed to control us and our procreation.
When we die, regardless of whether we were Hitler or Mother Theresa we will go to Heaven or as I call it, spirit. In spirit we will always be reunited with those we have had lives with, time & time again, this is our Soul Group.
A person who has chosen to take their life will have had every opportunity from their spiritual team – Guides, Angels, Guardian Angels, Loved Ones – that their suicide was absolutely their only option. If there was only a sliver of hope they could choose a different path, the spiritual team would have sent an opportunity for intervention, maybe a person simply smiles at them which uplifts them, or a phone call at an opportune time that stops them taking the final step to ending it. Maybe a piece of music reminds them of a loved one and they realise they can’t do it. So, if a person completes the act of taking their own life, there was nothing anyone, you included would have been able to do to prevent it, it may have been delayed but it would have happened.
Whatever lesson was too difficult for this soul to learn or deal with, they will get to try again, it may be they need to do it over more than one life, instead of trying to do too much in one lifetime. You will all be back together in spirit and in another lifetime, this is not the only opportunity you will have with this soul.
If you feel the need to do some good for humanity on the back of your terrible experiences such as raise money for charity, become a counsellor, patrol Beachy Head, go into schools and work with the kids to re-educate them, then please do it. This is YOUR choice and your loved one has given you the opportunity to do good as a result of their choices, you can help to stop others from taking the same choice, this may even be your Soul Contract with your lost loved one – a soul contract is an agreement you and other souls make before you incarnate, this may be to be lovers, a parent to a child, to make another soul stronger etc. Know that if you are driven to do good as a result of your tragedy, then this is a good thing. Think of Sarah’s Law, such a terrible tragedy, but out of that has come a lot of good.
Your biggest task is to let go of the guilt, to know this was their choice and that their soul is at rest. They will still be with you until it is your time to pass over, their love for you will still be strong and whatever demons drove them, this will be healed whilst they are in spirit.
I hope this helps you or a loved one who is coming to terms with a suicide in their life.